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Parenting and Co-Parenting in the time of COVID-19

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Parenting and Co-Parenting in the time of COVID-19

From cancelled extra-curricular activities for kids to managing at-home learning (often while working from home), parents are facing new and unprecedented challenges during the time of COVID-19. Inspired by my recent appearances on BMORE Lifestyle (Fox 45 Baltimore), here are some tips for parenting during these challenging times. Part 2 of this article deals specifically with the additional challenges for parents of children who move between two households (where parents share custody).

Part One: How to make the most of parenting during COVID – this time has presented seemingly insurmountable challenges to many families including financial hardship, heightened anxiety and depression, hunger, illness and loss. Nothing I say here will diminish the seriousness of many of these realities and if you are experiencing challenges with mental illness, hunger, domestic violence or any other safety issue, you should seek assistance from police or other community resources right away. For those of us who are safe, but still struggling with new challenges posed by this time, here are some thoughts about how to thrive during this time of crisis.

  • Adjust Your Expectations – back in March, many of us believed we might be required to live differently for a matter of weeks – maybe a few months at most (like an extended hurricane or blizzard), then things would go back to “normal.” We have since recognized that we may never return to the pre-pandemic version of “normal” or if we do, that time may still be many months (or longer) away. Simply “holding your breath” and waiting to re-emerge is probably setting yourself up for failure. Assume we’re in this for the long haul, and plan accordingly. It’s a marathon not a sprint (as they say), so make sure you are managing your own expectations as well as those of your children.
  • Take Advantage of the Unique Benefits of COVID – While the pandemic presents many challenges, there are also opportunities: opportunities to spend more quality time together as a family, opportunities to work on time-consuming projects (building a tree house), opportunities for more down-time (reading books or doing puzzles with your child, cooking together) rather than racing from birthday parties to soccer practice. We may never again in life have such “forced togetherness” with our immediate family – make it special.
  • Break Up the Monotony by Thinking of Time in Units. In the coming months, we have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Winter Break (Christmas, Hanukkah), but “units” of time can be marked by other events: getting to see grandparents or cousins, a weekend camping trip, a day-trip to the pumpkin patch. Try to think and plan time in small units, so that your kids have something to focus on and look forward to. Even though we may not be able to celebrate holidays as we once did, make an alternative plan and get excited about it (we’re going to my parents’ house for a family-only “Halloween Party” with spooky-foods and candy, instead of trick-or-treating this year). Once the event is over, move onto the next theme/unit (in November, we’re trying to focus on “gratitude” in our house). This can help keep things fresh and exciting for everyone.
  • Encourage Kids to Find Creative Solutions (& Remember: they’re resilient). If your kids are focusing on what they can’t do (see friends, play flag-football, take that trip to Florida, Trick-or-Treat) encourage them to come up with their own ideas about what might make the day/event/month different, special, and memorable for them. Finding a way to accommodate their creative ideas (within reason) will foster a feeling of solidarity and enthusiasm. Remember that one of the most important lessons we can teach our children is resilience in the face of inevitable challenges: this time presents a great opportunity to practice those skills.
  • No Wrong Answers – often it feels like there are no “right” answers in this COVID world. Either I keep my children home (and they miss out on the benefits of in-person learning) or I send them to school and risk possible exposure/infection. The good news is, there are no “wrong” answers either. You need to make choices for your own family (in light of your unique circumstances) that make you feel comfortable – then own those choices and make the best of them.
  • Take a Break – when we are surrounded by overwhelming (and often depressing) news about the death-toll or the divisive political climate, it is tempting to bury our head beneath the pillow or burst into tears. When the news (or social media) gets overwhelming, turn it off and take a walk. Children’s worlds tend to be much “smaller” – less affected by news and politics – ask what your child is thinking about (in my case it’s often more about space or dinosaurs than COVID). Engaging with my son on this level often reminds me to put the news of the day into perspective
  • Keep Your Sense of Humor & Cut Yourself (and Your Kids) Some Slack – Despite difficult and concerning news (and a lot of heightened anxiety in both adults and children), it’s ok (and necessary) to laugh during this time too.
  • Seek Help When/if You Need It – The National Alliance on Mental Health has a 24-hour helpline (800)950-6264. The relapse and overdose rate has increased by 30% since March and there are increases in domestic violence and mental health challenges (depression, anxiety and other mental health issues) as well. National and Local resources are available and most providers are offering virtual or telephonic sessions. Please reach out if and when you (or your children) need assistance.

Part Two: Challenges and Solutions for Co-parenting during the time of COVID – as challenging as this year has been for ALL parents, it has been especially hard for those parents who are co-parenting a child between two households (namely divorced or separated parents who share custody of their children). Separation is often predated by deep philosophical disagreements and sometimes an already contentious relationship. Now is the time to set those animosities aside to reach certain agreements on behalf of your child. Because of Court Delays and the quickly-evolving nature of the science and medicine related to COVID (as well as local and state policies) it will be difficult to have any Court timely resolve disagreements between co-parents on these issues, so it is important to try to work with the other co-parent to determine a unified approach. If you are unable to resolve issues between the two of you, you may want to consider mediation or seeking advice of a family law attorney to consider your options. Here are a few suggestions for reaching agreement:

• Be Open to Compromise – You and your child’s other parent may have fundamental disagreements on parenting issues or with respect to COVID, but it is important to reach a compromise so you can adopt a consistent approach on behalf of your children. Each household will have its own risk factors. Generally, you will need to adopt guidelines or agreements that address the risk factors of the more sensitive household, in order to keep both households safe. Remember that your behavior both when you have your child and when you do not will affect the health and safety of your child and the other household, so it is important to be respectful and empathetic. Lives may depend on it.
• Reach Agreement – You do not need to “reinvent the wheel” in order to reach important agreements with your co-parent. Often I have recommended clients adopt language stating that both parents will follow CDC and Maryland Department of Health guidelines as well as orders by the MD Governor’s office (and any orders specific to the County where they reside) regarding COVID safety, travel, testing, etc. Make sure you address travelling with the child, testing when parents return from travel (even without the child), participation in extra-curricular activities (worship services, sports, dance, etc.) and schooling (virtual, hybrid, etc.) and work-related childcare.
• Provide Consistency – it is widely accepted among child psychologists as well as Courts that a consistent approach between households is best for children. It provides them with some level of comfort and security, and lessens confusion and anxiety. If you recognize an inconsistency, speak to the other co-parent about it and try to reach a compromise.
• Be Transparent – If and when problems or complications arise (exposure to COVID in one household, etc.) it is important to be transparent with the other parent, and for the other parent to be flexible in making the necessary changes – for example, keeping the child for extra time while someone in the other household is sick, perhaps offering “make up” time once the illness passes, etc. This time will require honesty, openness and working together. If/when the other co-parent tells you he/she has exposure or illness in their household – RESIST THE URGE to express frustration or judgment (“well, if you hadn’t been so careless…”). Even if you are right, it won’t help. You will be serving your child better by showing empathy, flexibility and support.
• Remain Flexible and Adapt When Necessary – No choice during this time is static. Circumstances change in schools and in communities on a daily basis and therefore, your COVID plan may need to change as well. Adopting the general language (to follow CDC, Maryland Department of Health, State and County guidelines) will help both households to adapt when appropriate – as these are updated regularly, but also make sure to keep the conversation going. Once there has been any significant change that requires discussion, consider forwarding the alert/e-mail to the other co-parent and asking them to set aside a time to talk (away from the children) during the upcoming days (once everyone has had some time to digest the information).
• Make sure Health Insurance is Covered – as many families are experiencing layoffs or furloughs from employment and other economic changes, it is important to discuss whether your child’s health insurance remains covered during this time. This was likely part of your initial custody or child support agreement, but make updates and changes as necessary in light of any employment changes. If you’re not sure how changes may impact health insurance (if it’s covered by the other co-parent for example) – make sure to ask!

These are incredibly difficult times where many families face very real and serious challenges. Nothing here is meant to undermine or ignore this reality or paint an overly-rosy view of our ability to change some negative external forces (that are likely to be with us for quite some time). Many find it helpful to focus on the things we can control such as some of the suggestions here. When and if you feel like you are in over your head, seek professional help (mental health professional, social worker, attorney) as needed. Hang in there!

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Op Ed in The Daily Record by Morgan Foster

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Op Ed in The Daily Record by Morgan Foster

Published August 28, 2020
By: Morgan Foster

Most of the women I know — black and white, northern and southern, democrat and republican — embraced the “Challenge Accepted” social media campaign. Many participants saw this as a simple statement of women-supporting-women (and an opportunity to post a flattering black-and-white photo), but may not have known that campaign started as a way to call out the injustices in the Turkish judicial system for failing to hold perpetrators of domestic violence accountable. The widespread success of this campaign demonstrates that even in these divisive times, it is uncontroversial to acknowledge that that problems exists there – halfway around the world – but I think it’s time to hold a mirror up to our own system – and to recognize how far we still have to go.

Amidst all of the glamorous photos, you probably missed the article this week about the Bucks County, PA Judge who publicly apologized after telling a domestic violence victim, on the record, in open court, in the United States of America: “Little blond honey, you’re too dumb to leave [your abuser].”

As an attorney and litigator, I wish I could say his comment surprised me – but it didn’t. Judges are, after all, human and our judicial system reflects the misogyny, sexism, racism and other biases that still afflict our society at large – biases that seem amplified in this divisive and politically-charged climate. When a judge brings these biases into the judicial process, the biases become “systemic” not just societal – and they affect our access to justice.

In more than 15 years of practicing law, I have seen desperate faces of litigants amidst a highly contested case ask me again and again to predict what “the Court” will do and how “the system will deal with their particular problem. I know that in asking this question, they believe there is an answer. A fixed answer. A predictable answer. A right answer.

But as any experienced litigator can tell you, the outcome of litigation is often impossible to predict. There are many reasons for this uncertainty, but the one we talk about least is that “the Court” is made of human beings – all of whom bring the biases and experiences of their own life with them to the bench. I could present the same set of facts in three different courtrooms, to three different judges, and get three different outcomes. Anyone who knows the system from the inside knows this is true.

In many cases, this uncertainty is not a bad thing. Our judicial system is comprised of humans by design. The flexibility and nuance of a system organized this way has many benefits – like imbuing our judicial system with human empathy, pragmatism and creativity – rather than strictly dogmatic application of black-and-white rules. But it is precisely the “humanity” of our judicial system that makes it vulnerable.

There is a rich history of prejudices and wrong decisions in our judicial system, such as the Loving v. Virginia case from 1967 where the supreme court struck down laws banning interracial marriage after lower courts upheld them. Most landmark supreme court decisions (including Loving, Brown v. Board of Education, and others that have ended up in the canons of legal history) were overturning decisions by the lower courts (often upholding laws codifying bigotry). The system is designed to make corrections for itself when judges get it wrong. It is the beauty of our legal system. It is living and breathing. It evolves.

We think of our judicial system as among the most rigorous and incorruptible of our institutions – and I think that remains true – but it is not entirely impervious to the influence of changing societal norms and shifts in what might be “acceptable” prejudices. While the judicial system evolves in a positive way with social progress, it can also devolve if there is a resurgence of bigotry in our nation. We must recognize that our own brand of justice is fragile. It is human. Our own systems are just as vulnerable to corruption as those halfway around the world.

If we accept a society where expressions of overt bias by our leaders is acceptable, one where we become numb to corruption, or brush it off as an unsavory but necessary part of politics – then even our American institutions – the ones we have held up as the “envy of the world” for generations – will begin to erode just like those we see in those far-off places like Turkey. As we witness the politicization of historically a-political institutions like the Centers for Disease Control, the Food and Drug Administration and the Post Office, let us remember that our justice system is not immune from such influence. We must not take our own brand of justice for granted. Like any living, breathing thing it can be injured, or even die.

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Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter says she is seeking emancipation. Here’s what that process might look like. (Morgan Foster Quoted)

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Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter says she is seeking emancipation. Here’s what that process might look like. (Morgan Foster Quoted)

• Mon Aug 24th, 2020 3:30pm
• NATION/WORLD
By Lauren Leazenby
Chicago Tribune

Kellyanne Conway’s daughter, Claudia Conway, 15, announced she is seeking emancipation from her parents. “I’m officially pushing for emancipation,” she tweeted Saturday.

Claudia’s tweet came just 24 hours before Kellyanne Conway announced, also via Twitter, that she will be leaving her post as senior counselor to President Donald Trump at the end of August to focus more on her children. Claudia’s father, George Conway, also said Sunday he is stepping away from his role as founder of the Lincoln Project to “devote more time to family matters.”

Claudia is citing “years of childhood trauma and abuse” as her reason for seeking emancipation, according to a follow-up tweet.
Megan Foster, a family law attorney in the Washington, D.C., metro area, said the courts know that many teens don’t get along with their parents.

“The court is aware of the nature of the dynamics between teenagers and parents,” said Foster, an attorney at the firm McAllister, DeTar, Showalter & Walker. “So, they’re looking for something beyond just normal teenager-parent butting heads in order to rise to the level of something that would make emancipation an option.”

Emancipation “severs the parents’ legal and financial responsibilities and obligations for the child,” Foster said, adding that the process is “like a child divorcing from their parent.” To be emancipated, first, a child —likely with the help of counsel —would file a petition with the court for emancipation. The court would then issue a summons, and the opposing parties (the parents) would be served.

“That would open the gate,” Foster said. “Then there would be a full case in court in the family law division — similar to a divorce or custody case — dealing with the issue of emancipation and evaluating whether the facts merit granting of emancipation.”

Foster said the child has the burden of proving to the court that emancipation is in her best interest and that she is able to financially support herself.

Typically, minors seek emancipation for one of three reasons, Foster said: Sometimes, the teenage child is already living independently of her parents and already has a sort of practical emancipation that the legal process would make official. Emancipation can also be financially driven, as seen in cases where child actors or influencers have their own income streams. Foster said emancipation sometimes occurs in a contentious divorce, where parents don’t agree about what should happen to a child, but the court has already come down with a custody order. In this case, an emancipated child can make the decision about which parent to live with.

If a child is at least 16 years old, generally speaking, the court is more likely to grant emancipation. “Just because you’re 16 and you file for emancipation, you’re not automatically going to get it,” Foster said. “But if you’re 16 or older, you’re more likely, you have a stronger case.” She also said that because court cases can sometimes take over a year from start to finish, children might be in an even stronger position for emancipation at the end because they have aged up throughout the process.

Foster said minors seeking emancipation should know that it’s a “somber and serious process.” Children who are successfully emancipated often can afford to be represented by effective counsel, she said. If they can afford a lawyer, they probably have enough income to be self-sufficient, Foster said. But emancipation is cost-prohibitive for many who can’t afford counsel.

“But it is a resource,” she said. “If any minor child … seems to find themselves in an unhealthy or untenable circumstance, it should certainly be something they consider.”

In Claudia’s case, Foster said the Trump aide’s daughter will likely have to show that hers is an unhealthy environment to grow up in. She said Claudia may have income from her work on social media, which would help the process. However, her parents would likely oppose the emancipation, which would turn it into a “full-blown court case,” Foster said.

For parents of teens who are seeking emancipation, Foster said: “It’s definitely not an automatic thing.” If a parent doesn’t want their child to be emancipated, a parent should sit down with their child, figure out the reasoning for the complaints and work together to fix the situation, she said.

“If the parents are making substantial efforts to make the situation better, to listen to the child, to make sure she has the attention she needs, to make sure she has the resources she needs … they’re going to improve the chances of getting what they want in the court case,” Foster said.

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Tips for Managing & Reducing Attorneys’ Fees

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Clients often ask at the outset of litigation: about how much is this going to cost?   It is a completely reasonable question, but one that is nearly impossible to effectively answer.

The cost of your case will depend largely on three factors: (a) how much you come in knowing (or not knowing), (b) the complexity of the facts (how many assets are involved and the nature of these assets, whether custody is disputed, whether alimony is involved, etc.), and (c) the reasonableness of the opposing party.  If you are knowledgeable about all of the assets in play and you and your spouse are able to resolve things quickly, by agreement, these are the least costly cases.

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Top 10 Surprises in Divorce

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(10)  You will learn how much you DON’T know (don’t be an Ostrich!).

Whether a stay-at-home Dad or a jet-setting executive, we all work hard, have stress and are busy.  One way we deal with this is to “divide and conquer” at home.  Maybe in your household – your husband manages the bills and finances, while you organizes the children’s schedule… Maybe you convert all paper to electronic files and manage the family records, while your wife handles groceries and cooking… we do this because it is a survival mechanism… because “no one can do it all,” right?… well, if you are contemplating divorce, you will start to need to “do it all!”

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“I Want a Shark” – How to Hire an Attorney

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You are contemplating divorce (or another family law issue), which means you are already experiencing conflict with someone close to you.  You may feel betrayed and vulnerable – like you are being bullied and don’t know who to trust.  Your first instinct may be to hire the strongest, most aggressive “shark” of a lawyer… but think before you jump head-first into those shark-infested waters.  Your lawyer will be your team-mate (and your voice) throughout this process, so it is important to understand who will be the most effective advocate for you.

There are many articles about why “aggressive” lawyers are not always effective lawyers.  Mark Baer, a California Family Law Attorney and Mediator, describes three reasons why aggressive attorneys are less effective at obtaining the desired results for their clients:

  1. Aggressive Lawyers Are On The ‘Short-List’ – Judges do not care for ‘aggressive’ lawyers. Ask any judge, and they will tell you that they are worn out from baby-sitting lawyers who cannot get along with one another, who quibble over the most mundane aspects of their case, who accuse other lawyers of misdeeds, who complain about imagined slights, who hold hard-and-fast to deadlines without accommodation or courtesy, and the list goes on. Lawyers who place themselves on a judge’s ‘short list’ of intolerable lawyers are doing a great disservice to their clients. Regrettably, many of the lawyers who place themselves on the ‘short-list’ are either oblivious to (or ‘willfully dense’ to) how their attitude negatively impacts upon the court’s scheduling of matters, the court’s receptiveness to the lawyer’s concerns (‘Cry Wolf Syndrome’) or even, at times, the court’s rulings.
  2. Aggressive Lawyers Get As Good As They Give– During my career, I have let other lawyers out of default or extended firm deadlines as a professional courtesy. I can hear the aggressive lawyers’ comment now – ‘You gave up your client’s advantage in exchange for courtesy!’ Not so. I can unequivocally state that in those cases, the outcome was positive for the clients and, in some cases, made more positive by acting professionally. Of course, there will always be those parties, or their lawyers, who precipitate a hard-line approach to the case. However, perhaps a better practice is to set a positive tone from the beginning before you come out swinging the day the client walks into your door. If you set a negative, aggressive tone from the outset, then do not be shocked when opposing counsel does not return your phone calls, does not grant you any extensions you request, does not work with you to complete discovery, etc. In all, what goes around does, indeed, come around. Hopefully, in all your years of practice, you will never miss a deadline or make a mistake. However, if that day should come, it would be best to have a reputation as being respected and a ‘lawyer’s lawyer’ than to be the attorney to whom everyone else is looking to dish out a little ‘payback.’
  3. Good Lawyers Don’t Just ‘Try’ Cases; Good Lawyers Try to ‘Resolve’ Cases– Before I hop down off of my soapbox, there is one last point to be made. In the end, ‘scorched earth’ policies and aggressive behaviors do not benefit our clients (except in the movies). Family law attorneys can probably attest to this fact the most. Aggressive behaviors run up legal fees, destroy any real chance of cooperation between parents, and leave children as the victims of litigation. The same is true for civil litigation. Sparing with opposing counsel or writing threatening ‘paper tiger’ letters or emails is, in a word, useless. Whether you disagree with opposing counsel, or you just don’t like their politics, venting your frustrations, lobbing insults or threats, or engaging similar aggressive behaviors does not change the facts or the law of your case. Agree to disagree, spar like professionals, and kept your reputation as a ‘zealous’ and a ‘professional’ lawyer intact. In the end, you will earn the admiration of both the bench and the bar. Moreover, your clients will applaud you for your success and not your rancor. In the end, as we say here in the South, ‘you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.’”

In my own experience, I have often witnessed adverse results for clients that originate with an overly aggressive approach (driven by an overly-aggressive lawyer or client).  These fall into three major categories:

Missed Settlement Opportunities.  Often (particularly early in a case) there are opportunities to settle either some of all of the case.  For example, you may not agree with your spouse on how the bank accounts should be divided (or you may need more information on this issue), but you may agree on a custody schedule for your son.  Any good lawyer will look into opportunities to settle.  Overly aggressive attorneys often take outlandish positions (or take a “just say no”) approach trying to drive the terms of a negotiated settlement in their client’s direction.  Sometimes this works.  Often, it does not.  If this overly aggressive approach fails – you may end up litigating an issue (like custody) that you could have resolved in settlement.  The more issues that remain disputed at the time of trial, the longer and more expensive the trial will be – and the more you risk an adverse or unpredictable outcome.

Huge Attorneys’ Fees.  It stands to reason that the more issues you’re fighting about, the more costly the battle will be.  Perhaps a trial on financial matters would take 3 days, but a trial on financial matters and custody may take 6 days.  You may not understand in advance that this will DOUBLE the cost of your trial (because it will double the time it takes to prepare and try the case).  If you are walking away from a settlement opportunity, make sure you understand what it will cost you.  Often overly-aggressive lawyers take an approach that leads to large trials on a multitude of issues – this may serve the lawyer (who is charging by the hour) but it may not result in a favorable outcome for you.

Failed Cost/Benefit Analysis.  I have seen lawyers incur $10,000 of fees for a $500 issue.  Even if they end up “winning” on that issue, you (the client) have lost, because you spent $10,000 to get $500.  Overly-aggressive lawyers can be so focused on winning every issue that they lose sight of whether it makes sense to battle in the first place.  A good attorney will advise you to choose your battles wisely – not every issue is worth going to the mats for.

When you meet with lawyers, here are some things to look out for:

  • Beware of Any Lawyer who is willing to be a “Mouthpiece” – you may be angry and emotional… you may want to “crush” your spouse… you may want to expose her shady business dealings or cause him to get fired from his job… while this may feel satisfying in the short term, it can HUGELY damage your own interests long-term (if your spouse loses her job, you may owe her child support or alimony). A good lawyer is NOT a mouthpiece, simply hired to regurgitate your thoughts and opinions…. A good lawyer will bring a measured, rational voice to the dialog and help you think strategically about making choices that will benefit you long-term.  Sometimes that means being the bearer of bad news or taking a contrary position to you.  When your lawyer pushes pack – Listen.  If your lawyer does everything you say, she is likely not doing her job!
  • Beware of the “Over-Promise” – Many overly-aggressive lawyers start by building unrealistic expectations in their clients. They promise a “slam-dunk” in Court on various issues (sometimes as early as the first meeting – when it is virtually impossible to have enough information to make that sort of promise).  Any good lawyer should help you understand the risks and potential pitfalls along with the potential “win”… If what your potential lawyer is saying sounds too good to be true – it probably is!
  • Awards or Accolades Can be Misleading – Many attorneys these days tout numerous “awards” but these can be the result of an effective marketing team (more than a top-quality practice). Here is an article by the Better Business Bureau cautioning consumers about so-called “vanity awards” for lawyers.

Here are some tips about hiring a lawyer:

  • The kinds of referrals you are likely to get depend on the questions you ask.  Don’t just ask for “the shark”… think about asking for someone who is a creative problem solver, someone smart, someone who has expertise in your particular subject-area (maybe there is a complex trust involved in your case).
  • Hire someone who you are compatible with.  Family law cases are VERY personal… it’s important to find someone who listens to you, understands your priorities and is able to effectively voice your perspective.
  • Understand what your goals are and work with your Attorney to ensure those goals are reasonable and attainable.  If your goal is to walk away with everything – any good lawyer should tell you that’s unlikely.  Having your lawyer help you develop realistic goals will allow you to make the smartest and most strategic decisions.
  • Have an Open Dialog about Cost and Budget both up front and along the way.  Cases are expensive and any responsible attorney will be willing to discuss this issue with you to develop a realistic plan and strategy.
  • Get a second opinion – any good lawyer will be open to you seeking a second opinion.  I am always willing to get on the phone with another lawyer and talk through differing strategies or work together to develop the best plan.  If you’re skeptical about whether you’re getting the best advice, talk to someone else.  I even refer my clients to other lawyers I respect (or offer to bring another expert in) if we are facing a particularly challenging issue.

Practical questions to ask when you “interview” a lawyer:

  • What makes your approach unique compared with other lawyers?
  • How do they communicate – office phone, e-mail, cell phone, text?
  • Are there extra charges for contacting your lawyer outside of regular business hours?
  • What cost-saving measures can they recommend to manage fees in your case?
  • Are there opportunities for mediation or arbitration to explore settlement?
  • What happens if you have an emergency and can’t reach your lawyer?
  • Payment methods accepted (check, credit card?)
  • Billing frequency and method (monthly?  By e-mail?) and due-date for payment?
  • Budget for the case and what will drive the expense?

Finally, remember this: the court views your side of the case as YOU … so the things your lawyer says and does will be attributable to YOU.  If your lawyer advises you to do something that the court disapproves of, YOU are the one who will pay the price, not your lawyer… so if you feel the attorney you are meeting with is untrustworthy or does not share your philosophy or approach to your case, keep looking!

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Know Your Resources & Build Your Team!

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If you’re contemplating divorce, you’ve probably thought about your personal support network – who you might tell first… who will be your shoulder to cry on… but it is important to take stock of professional resources as well.  Below is a description of some of the key resources available and team-members you may want to assemble.  Before you disclose any sensitive information to any professional, make sure you understand their duty of confidentiality to you, whether they can or will share this information with third parties (including your spouse) and whether they can be compelled to share the information in testimony in Court.  Your attorney can help advise you on this point.

  • Legal Team. Your lawyer will head your legal team but the team may also include paralegals, support staff, expert witnesses, private investigators and/or litigation support vendors.  For more information on hiring a lawyer, see our earlier blog post “I want a shark – how to hire a lawyer.”  Your team may need to include more than one lawyer if you have trust/estate issues, employment law issues or require an expert in a certain area (like dividing military pensions or preparing Qualified Domestic Relations Orders to divide retirement).  At some point you may need an estate planning attorney to revise your will, change medical directives and powers of attorney, update beneficiary designations, etc.
  • Financial Advisor. A financial advisor will be an important part of your divorce team, but beware of using your marital financial advisor.  Your marital financial advisor may have an equal duty to both you and your spouse (which means they may share any information you give them with your spouse) so make sure you are clear on this before you start confiding in your current/marital financial advisor.  For this reason, it may be wise to consider working with a new financial advisor through your divorce.  Your new financial advisor can help you understand your spending history and prospective budget, understand your marital net worth, identify outstanding liabilities, and help with long-term financial planning (for college and/or retirement).  This long-term planning can be invaluable when you are making divorce decisions (whether to keep the home or sell it… whether to agree to pay for college or not… etc.)  A financial planner can also help you manage your credit through divorce or establish credit in your own name.  Once the divorce (or financial settlement) is complete, your financial advisor can help you plan and manage your assets and monthly spending going forward in light of your new financial circumstances.
  • Accountant. An accountant can be an invaluable part of your divorce team – helping you to understand the tax consequences of various settlement proposals regarding the division of assets (what is the “basis” in that asset and what are the tax consequences of you selling it in the future), or how much a proposed alimony award will leave you to live off of (after paying state and federal income tax).  Like with your financial advisor, think carefully about using your marital accountant for this purpose.  Your marital accountant may owe an equal duty to your spouse and may share any information you give him/her with your spouse.  Instead, you may consider getting a new accountant to assist you through the divorce process.  This should be someone who can work closely with your legal team and financial advisor as needed.  (Some financial advisors have an in-house accountant who may be able to help).
  • Physician. If you have a serious medical issue or upcoming surgery or other procedure planned, it is important to understand how the divorce may impact your health insurance coverage and whether you need to make accommodations for major medical
  • Therapist. No matter how calm and confident you feel about divorce being the right choice, there WILL be a lot to process through the divorce.  Your entire life will  These other changes (even more than the dissolution of your marriage) may place huge emotional burdens on you.  Changing relationships may cause paid or confusion.  Some days you may feel empowered and condiment.  Others, you may feel depressed and paralyzed.  A trained counsellor or therapist can help you manage the roller coaster ride that is divorce.  There are also therapists and counsellors that can advise you and your spouse together (on how to co-parent or have a more successful relationship going forward), or who can work with the whole family (including your children).  If you do seek counselling for co-parenting or family counselling you may want a separate therapist to be your personal therapist (so you can ensure confidentiality in your communications).
  • Mediator/Arbitrator. Mediators and Arbitrators are professionals trained in alternative dispute resolution techniques – helping parties reach compromise or settlement outside of court.  There are mediators and arbitrators who specialize in custody and/or divorce.  Your attorney can help you get to the right professional for your case.  The Mediator/Arbitrator will serve as a neutral third party who will help bridge the gap between your position and your spouse’s position to reach a settlement or compromise.  Frequently, information disclosed in mediation is confidential.  Depending on the nature of the mediation/arbitration, you can attend either with or without your attorney.  Discuss with your attorney which approach is appropriate in your case.  Often, you will have the opportunity to submit a written Mediation Statement or Arbitration Statement in advance to “preview” your case and your positions to the professional.
  • Court. Depending on your jurisdiction, your local courthouse may have resources available.   Some Courts have a designated Family Law office or staff and almost all courthouses have written materials available to refer you to local resources.  Many courts have classes available either in-person or online on co-parenting (some of these classes may be mandatory).  Visit your local Circuit Courthouse to access these and other resources.  As an alternative to physically visiting the Courthouse, you can also visit the Courthouse online.  Anne Arundel County Circuit Court has an excellent Family Law site with lots of information about the process.
  • Advocate for your Children. In a custody battle, there may be opportunities to ensure that professionals are in place to assist or advocate for your child.  There are options for a Court-appointed “Best Interest Attorney” or other attorney advocate for your child (you and your spouse may have to pay for this professional out-of-pocket).  There are also options for the Court to appoint a “custody evaluator” or other professional to evaluate the custody situation and recommend what is in the child’s best interest.  Other therapist or counsellor options may also be available.  Discuss with your attorney the pro’s and con’s of having an advocate assigned to your child/children.
  • Other Resources for your Children. In addition to an advocate or therapist/counsellor, there may be “every-day” resources available to assist your child through this difficult time.  For example, you may want to discuss the divorce with a guidance counsellor at your child’s school and/or his teachers so they can pay special attention to your child through this undoubtedly difficult time.  It will be important for the school to understand as the custody situation evolves who has authority to pick up your child and with whom the school should communicate.  Make sure you discuss these issues with your attorney to ensure you are protecting your rights, and not infringing on the rights of your spouse.
  • Appraiser/Valuation Team. You and your spouse may not agree on the value of certain assets and this will likely become important in your case.  There are appraisers available to appraise the value of almost anything (real property, jewelry, cars, artwork, rugs, and ownership interest in a business or entity).  Talk to your lawyer about whether you need to get anything appraised and who should do it.
  • Insurance Agent. You may need to obtain an insurance analysis to determine your need for disability income and life insurance or life insurance on your spouse (for the duration of the time when he/she has financial obligations to you).  You may only be able to take out a life insurance policy on them with his/her consent so this may need to be negotiated up front.
  • Vocational Consultant or Job Placement Professional. Maybe you’ve been out of work for 20 years… is the Court really going to expect you to get a job?  The answer is probably yes (talk to your attorney about the specifics of your case).  You may not know where or how to begin.  A job placement professional or “head-hunter” may be able to help.  A professional vocational consultant may be able to meet with you and generate a report on your earning potential.
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