Co-Parenting – Divorcing Gracefully

Parenting and Co-Parenting in the time of COVID-19

By Morgan E. Foster

Parenting and Co-Parenting in the time of COVID-19

From cancelled extra-curricular activities for kids to managing at-home learning (often while working from home), parents are facing new and unprecedented challenges during the time of COVID-19. Inspired by my recent appearances on BMORE Lifestyle (Fox 45 Baltimore), here are some tips for parenting during these challenging times. Part 2 of this article deals specifically with the additional challenges for parents of children who move between two households (where parents share custody).

Part One: How to make the most of parenting during COVID – this time has presented seemingly insurmountable challenges to many families including financial hardship, heightened anxiety and depression, hunger, illness and loss. Nothing I say here will diminish the seriousness of many of these realities and if you are experiencing challenges with mental illness, hunger, domestic violence or any other safety issue, you should seek assistance from police or other community resources right away. For those of us who are safe, but still struggling with new challenges posed by this time, here are some thoughts about how to thrive during this time of crisis.

Adjust Your Expectations – back in March, many of us believed we might be required to live differently for a matter of weeks – maybe a few months at most (like an extended hurricane or blizzard), then things would go back to “normal.” We have since recognized that we may never return to the pre-pandemic version of “normal” or if we do, that time may still be many months (or longer) away. Simply “holding your breath” and waiting to re-emerge is probably setting yourself up for failure. Assume we’re in this for the long haul, and plan accordingly. It’s a marathon not a sprint (as they say), so make sure you are managing your own expectations as well as those of your children.
Take Advantage of the Unique Benefits of COVID – While the pandemic presents many challenges, there are also opportunities: opportunities to spend more quality time together as a family, opportunities to work on time-consuming projects (building a tree house), opportunities for more down-time (reading books or doing puzzles with your child, cooking together) rather than racing from birthday parties to soccer practice. We may never again in life have such “forced togetherness” with our immediate family – make it special.
Break Up the Monotony by Thinking of Time in Units. In the coming months, we have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Winter Break (Christmas, Hanukkah), but “units” of time can be marked by other events: getting to see grandparents or cousins, a weekend camping trip, a day-trip to the pumpkin patch. Try to think and plan time in small units, so that your kids have something to focus on and look forward to. Even though we may not be able to celebrate holidays as we once did, make an alternative plan and get excited about it (we’re going to my parents’ house for a family-only “Halloween Party” with spooky-foods and candy, instead of trick-or-treating this year). Once the event is over, move onto the next theme/unit (in November, we’re trying to focus on “gratitude” in our house). This can help keep things fresh and exciting for everyone.
Encourage Kids to Find Creative Solutions (& Remember: they’re resilient). If your kids are focusing on what they can’t do (see friends, play flag-football, take that trip to Florida, Trick-or-Treat) encourage them to come up with their own ideas about what might make the day/event/month different, special, and memorable for them. Finding a way to accommodate their creative ideas (within reason) will foster a feeling of solidarity and enthusiasm. Remember that one of the most important lessons we can teach our children is resilience in the face of inevitable challenges: this time presents a great opportunity to practice those skills.
No Wrong Answers – often it feels like there are no “right” answers in this COVID world. Either I keep my children home (and they miss out on the benefits of in-person learning) or I send them to school and risk possible exposure/infection. The good news is, there are no “wrong” answers either. You need to make choices for your own family (in light of your unique circumstances) that make you feel comfortable – then own those choices and make the best of them.
Take a Break – when we are surrounded by overwhelming (and often depressing) news about the death-toll or the divisive political climate, it is tempting to bury our head beneath the pillow or burst into tears. When the news (or social media) gets overwhelming, turn it off and take a walk. Children’s worlds tend to be much “smaller” – less affected by news and politics – ask what your child is thinking about (in my case it’s often more about space or dinosaurs than COVID). Engaging with my son on this level often reminds me to put the news of the day into perspective
Keep Your Sense of Humor & Cut Yourself (and Your Kids) Some Slack – Despite difficult and concerning news (and a lot of heightened anxiety in both adults and children), it’s ok (and necessary) to laugh during this time too.
Seek Help When/if You Need It – The National Alliance on Mental Health has a 24-hour helpline (800)950-6264. The relapse and overdose rate has increased by 30% since March and there are increases in domestic violence and mental health challenges (depression, anxiety and other mental health issues) as well. National and Local resources are available and most providers are offering virtual or telephonic sessions. Please reach out if and when you (or your children) need assistance.

Part Two: Challenges and Solutions for Co-parenting during the time of COVID – as challenging as this year has been for ALL parents, it has been especially hard for those parents who are co-parenting a child between two households (namely divorced or separated parents who share custody of their children). Separation is often predated by deep philosophical disagreements and sometimes an already contentious relationship. Now is the time to set those animosities aside to reach certain agreements on behalf of your child. Because of Court Delays and the quickly-evolving nature of the science and medicine related to COVID (as well as local and state policies) it will be difficult to have any Court timely resolve disagreements between co-parents on these issues, so it is important to try to work with the other co-parent to determine a unified approach. If you are unable to resolve issues between the two of you, you may want to consider mediation or seeking advice of a family law attorney to consider your options. Here are a few suggestions for reaching agreement:

• Be Open to Compromise – You and your child’s other parent may have fundamental disagreements on parenting issues or with respect to COVID, but it is important to reach a compromise so you can adopt a consistent approach on behalf of your children. Each household will have its own risk factors. Generally, you will need to adopt guidelines or agreements that address the risk factors of the more sensitive household, in order to keep both households safe. Remember that your behavior both when you have your child and when you do not will affect the health and safety of your child and the other household, so it is important to be respectful and empathetic. Lives may depend on it.
• Reach Agreement – You do not need to “reinvent the wheel” in order to reach important agreements with your co-parent. Often I have recommended clients adopt language stating that both parents will follow CDC and Maryland Department of Health guidelines as well as orders by the MD Governor’s office (and any orders specific to the County where they reside) regarding COVID safety, travel, testing, etc. Make sure you address travelling with the child, testing when parents return from travel (even without the child), participation in extra-curricular activities (worship services, sports, dance, etc.) and schooling (virtual, hybrid, etc.) and work-related childcare.
• Provide Consistency – it is widely accepted among child psychologists as well as Courts that a consistent approach between households is best for children. It provides them with some level of comfort and security, and lessens confusion and anxiety. If you recognize an inconsistency, speak to the other co-parent about it and try to reach a compromise.
• Be Transparent – If and when problems or complications arise (exposure to COVID in one household, etc.) it is important to be transparent with the other parent, and for the other parent to be flexible in making the necessary changes – for example, keeping the child for extra time while someone in the other household is sick, perhaps offering “make up” time once the illness passes, etc. This time will require honesty, openness and working together. If/when the other co-parent tells you he/she has exposure or illness in their household – RESIST THE URGE to express frustration or judgment (“well, if you hadn’t been so careless…”). Even if you are right, it won’t help. You will be serving your child better by showing empathy, flexibility and support.
• Remain Flexible and Adapt When Necessary – No choice during this time is static. Circumstances change in schools and in communities on a daily basis and therefore, your COVID plan may need to change as well. Adopting the general language (to follow CDC, Maryland Department of Health, State and County guidelines) will help both households to adapt when appropriate – as these are updated regularly, but also make sure to keep the conversation going. Once there has been any significant change that requires discussion, consider forwarding the alert/e-mail to the other co-parent and asking them to set aside a time to talk (away from the children) during the upcoming days (once everyone has had some time to digest the information).
• Make sure Health Insurance is Covered – as many families are experiencing layoffs or furloughs from employment and other economic changes, it is important to discuss whether your child’s health insurance remains covered during this time. This was likely part of your initial custody or child support agreement, but make updates and changes as necessary in light of any employment changes. If you’re not sure how changes may impact health insurance (if it’s covered by the other co-parent for example) – make sure to ask!

These are incredibly difficult times where many families face very real and serious challenges. Nothing here is meant to undermine or ignore this reality or paint an overly-rosy view of our ability to change some negative external forces (that are likely to be with us for quite some time). Many find it helpful to focus on the things we can control such as some of the suggestions here. When and if you feel like you are in over your head, seek professional help (mental health professional, social worker, attorney) as needed. Hang in there!

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter says she is seeking emancipation. Here’s what that process might look like. (Morgan Foster Quoted)

By Morgan E. Foster

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter says she is seeking emancipation. Here’s what that process might look like. (Morgan Foster Quoted)

• Mon Aug 24th, 2020 3:30pm
• NATION/WORLD
By Lauren Leazenby
Chicago Tribune

Kellyanne Conway’s daughter, Claudia Conway, 15, announced she is seeking emancipation from her parents. “I’m officially pushing for emancipation,” she tweeted Saturday.

Claudia’s tweet came just 24 hours before Kellyanne Conway announced, also via Twitter, that she will be leaving her post as senior counselor to President Donald Trump at the end of August to focus more on her children. Claudia’s father, George Conway, also said Sunday he is stepping away from his role as founder of the Lincoln Project to “devote more time to family matters.”

Claudia is citing “years of childhood trauma and abuse” as her reason for seeking emancipation, according to a follow-up tweet.
Megan Foster, a family law attorney in the Washington, D.C., metro area, said the courts know that many teens don’t get along with their parents.

“The court is aware of the nature of the dynamics between teenagers and parents,” said Foster, an attorney at the firm McAllister, DeTar, Showalter & Walker. “So, they’re looking for something beyond just normal teenager-parent butting heads in order to rise to the level of something that would make emancipation an option.”

Emancipation “severs the parents’ legal and financial responsibilities and obligations for the child,” Foster said, adding that the process is “like a child divorcing from their parent.” To be emancipated, first, a child —likely with the help of counsel —would file a petition with the court for emancipation. The court would then issue a summons, and the opposing parties (the parents) would be served.

“That would open the gate,” Foster said. “Then there would be a full case in court in the family law division — similar to a divorce or custody case — dealing with the issue of emancipation and evaluating whether the facts merit granting of emancipation.”

Foster said the child has the burden of proving to the court that emancipation is in her best interest and that she is able to financially support herself.

Typically, minors seek emancipation for one of three reasons, Foster said: Sometimes, the teenage child is already living independently of her parents and already has a sort of practical emancipation that the legal process would make official. Emancipation can also be financially driven, as seen in cases where child actors or influencers have their own income streams. Foster said emancipation sometimes occurs in a contentious divorce, where parents don’t agree about what should happen to a child, but the court has already come down with a custody order. In this case, an emancipated child can make the decision about which parent to live with.

If a child is at least 16 years old, generally speaking, the court is more likely to grant emancipation. “Just because you’re 16 and you file for emancipation, you’re not automatically going to get it,” Foster said. “But if you’re 16 or older, you’re more likely, you have a stronger case.” She also said that because court cases can sometimes take over a year from start to finish, children might be in an even stronger position for emancipation at the end because they have aged up throughout the process.

Foster said minors seeking emancipation should know that it’s a “somber and serious process.” Children who are successfully emancipated often can afford to be represented by effective counsel, she said. If they can afford a lawyer, they probably have enough income to be self-sufficient, Foster said. But emancipation is cost-prohibitive for many who can’t afford counsel.

“But it is a resource,” she said. “If any minor child … seems to find themselves in an unhealthy or untenable circumstance, it should certainly be something they consider.”

In Claudia’s case, Foster said the Trump aide’s daughter will likely have to show that hers is an unhealthy environment to grow up in. She said Claudia may have income from her work on social media, which would help the process. However, her parents would likely oppose the emancipation, which would turn it into a “full-blown court case,” Foster said.

For parents of teens who are seeking emancipation, Foster said: “It’s definitely not an automatic thing.” If a parent doesn’t want their child to be emancipated, a parent should sit down with their child, figure out the reasoning for the complaints and work together to fix the situation, she said.

“If the parents are making substantial efforts to make the situation better, to listen to the child, to make sure she has the attention she needs, to make sure she has the resources she needs … they’re going to improve the chances of getting what they want in the court case,” Foster said.

Guest Article by Susan M. Wyckoff: Marriage in Trouble? 6 Do’s and Don’ts

By Guest Author

By: Susan M. Wyckoff, Esquire

1. Do gain perspective and knowledge with professional assistance.

When experiencing difficulties in your marriage, it may seem natural to turn to family and/or friends in seeking advice and comfort. Although a friend or a family member may mean well, your communications with them whether in person or via e-mail, may not offer the confidential and objective advice that you need and will receive from a professional.

There is a confidential privilege that exists in communications with certain professionals. Upon a showing that an attorney and client communicated in a professional capacity, the attorney-client privilege is invoked. One of the items an attorney should go over with you is the existence and any limitations to this privilege; however, generally you will be able to discuss your marital difficulties and the law related to same confidentially with your attorney. By way of example, during your marriage you have had sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. You do not want your marriage to end; however, you do not know what to do. If you consult with a divorce attorney and the attorney-client privilege is invoked, your lawyer is under a professional ethical obligation to keep that conversation privileged. Your lawyer may discuss with you the legal issues related to you disclosing the affair to your spouse, how it may affect grounds for divorce, custody, support, alimony, and/or marital property. By contrast, if you confide in your best friend in your heart you believe that your best friend would never betray your confidence. However, months later your spouse has found out about the affair, you are in the middle of divorce litigation, and your spouse’s attorney subpoenas your best friend to the witness stand in a public courtroom and asks about the affair in detail. Under oath, and ordered by the Judge your best friend has no choice but to admit that you told her about the affair and every single detail you told her whereas your lawyer may not be called to the stand to testify.

Lack of objectivity is also another problem with discussing such issues with a family member or friend. If you are experiencing difficulties in your marriage, it is natural to turn to a friend who may have gone through a separation or divorce for comfort and advice. Be cautioned that although your friend may have gone through a separation and/or divorce, the set of circumstances of his or her situation may differ greatly from yours. An outcome in one separation or divorce case may not necessarily be the same outcome in another.

2. DON’T THREATEN YOUR SPOUSE WITH DIVORCE AS A “WAKE-UP CALL.”

It may be very tempting during a heated argument with your spouse to threaten that you are leaving the marriage or even go so far as to say that you want a divorce. It is easy for your emotions to get the best of you and say things in anger that you really do not mean. By way of example, you come home one from a business trip to find out that your spouse has moved out of the marital home. You are in shock and do understand what went wrong. A few days later, you are served with divorce papers. Yes the two of you were having difficulties, but you had no idea why your spouse chose to file for divorce instead of trying to work things out. Later in the litigation process your attorney asks your spouse what lead to the dissolution of the marriage and your spouse responds, “Every time we argued she threatened to leave and/or divorce me, so finally I left and began divorce proceedings. I gave her what she asked for.” It just now occurs to you just how hurtful telling your spouse that you want a divorce every time you had an argument was not clearly communicating what you wanted. The word divorce has a shock and awe to it; however, it may be you that will be the recipient of the shock and awe if you repeatedly use it when you are not ready to end your marriage.

In addition, divorce litigation is not a tool to fix your marriage or get your spouse’s attention. A red flag should raise for a family law attorney if during an initial consultation the client’s reason for wanting to file a Complaint for Absolute Divorce against his or her spouse is because the client wants to get “the attention” of his or her spouse. The client believes his or her spouse is not taking them seriously and/or is not trying to work on the problems in the marriage. The client does not want to actually get a divorce, but still want to file a Complaint for Divorce because the client is angry or frustrated with his or her spouse. Divorce litigation can be both emotionally and financially draining, not just on you and your spouse, but on any children, family and friends. Before casually throwing out the threat of hiring a lawyer and filing a Complaint for Divorce, ask yourself is there no hope or expectation of a reconciliation.

3. DO ASSESS, UNDERSTAND AND OWN YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION.

If there are difficulties in your marriage, there is a good chance they are related to financial issues. You and your spouse argue about money all the time. There never seems to be enough money to make ends meet and one or both of you do not seem to understand what money is coming in and what money is going out. Or perhaps one spouse complains the other is too controlling with the finances and yet the spouse with who is complaining of same has not looked at a joint tax return, bank statement, or the bills for years. Whether you stay together or decide to separate, now is the time to take ownership of what your monthly income and expenses are. In addition, you should always have a basic understanding of your assets and liabilities, including, but not limited to their fair market value and any balance owed. It will be difficult to resolve your financial differences if both of you do not have basic knowledge of and understand them.

4. DON’T FORGET ABOUT UPDATING ADVANCED HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVES AND POWERS OF ATTORNEY.

If you have an Advanced Health Care Directive in which you appointed your spouse to make medical decisions on your behalf or a Power of Attorney in which you appointed your spouse to make financial decisions on your behalf in the event of your incapacity, you probably did so at a time when you and your spouse were trusting of one another and not during a period of time when your marriage was in trouble. Depending upon what difficulty you are dealing with in your marriage you may wish to revisit your spouse being the one who makes medical and/or financial decisions for you in the event of your incapacity. If your spouse is cheating on you and spending the kids’ college money on her girlfriend is this truly the person you trust with your medical care?

5. DO RESEARCH THE VARIOUS PROCESSES OTHER THAN LITIGATION TO HANDLE SEPARATION AND DIVORCE.

There are several different processes, including, but not limited to alternative dispute resolution, by which to separate and/or divorce. Each couple, each case, may be different and what works for one couple does not necessarily work for another. You should briefly familiarize yourself with a few options that you can discuss in further detail with a family law attorney. Each process is time consuming and a financial commitment; therefore, it is wise to get more detail from a family law attorney as to the pros and cons of each process so that you will have realistic expectations. Two such processes are discussed below.

Mediation: The opening scene from the movie Wedding Crashers where a husband and wife are engaged in dividing their airline miles and other property is often cited by clients who want to engage in the mediation process, but with professionally trained mediators and not the actors, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Mediation is a process by which the parties negotiate and attempt to reach a written settlement agreement with the assistance of a trained impartial person called a mediator. Depending upon the mediators training, he or she will be able to address among other issues, custody, support, alimony, and property issues. The parties may engage in private mediation or if there is litigation pending, court ordered mediation with a court appointed mediator. Stay tuned for the upcoming Blog, “We Want to Use a Mediator, Do We Really Need Lawyers?”

Collaborative Practice: The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) define Collaborative Practice as “a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.” On their website, www.collaborativepractice.com, the IACP go on to define the core elements of Collaborative Practice as:

Negotiate a mutually acceptable resolution without having courts decide issues.
Maintain open communication and information sharing.
Create shared solutions acknowledging the highest priories of all.

Both parties will be represented by counsel who have been trained in the Collaborative Practice, as well as assisted by other professionals or experts, such as accountants or financial planners. The parties sign a collaborative participation agreement, disclose financial information and use good faith efforts to try to reach a written settlement agreement.

6. DON’T SHARE YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Sharing the difficulties of your marriage on Facebook, Twitter or another form of social media, even if your account is private, is not a smart idea. When you post something think do I want my children, family, friends, and neighbors to read this tweet. By way of example, you find out your spouse is having an affair so you decide to post the photo you found of your spouse and his lover on your Facebook page with a caption that details what a lying, cheating, @*$# your spouse is. You and your spouse end up going to counseling and working things out. Several months later your daughter comes to you in tears with a copy of the picture you posted on her phone. You have no idea who sent her the picture, but does it even matter, because you are the one who put it out there.

In addition, it is common practice for divorce attorneys to request and/or subpoena copies of a divorce litigants social media posts, tweets and pictures. Do you really want the Judge determining your fitness and character during a contested custody case to read a Facebook post where you failed to control your emotions, are hostile and threaten your spouse that he will never see his child again?

Stay tuned for the post, “Revenge Porn Law, Civil Suits and Criminal Charges that May Follow.